Harriet: Age 32

Today I turn thirty two years old, an age that seems both impossibly mature and still only the beginning of my adult life. I’ve been thinking about how I could commemorate my birthday every year, a kind of State of my Blog Union (Blogunion?) for the events of last year and the hopes and dreams for the next. So, in that vein, I am re-purposing one of those popular end-of-the-year recap formats and I hope to update this once a year to celebrate making it another rotation around the sun.

How will you spend your birthday?
I am going to work, probably taking myself out for a sort-of fancy lunch, taking part of the afternoon off for a pedicure, then picking Mr. Blue Eyes up at the airport so we can spend the weekend together. He is taking me to my very favorite seafood restaurant so I can splurge on crab cakes. Mmmmmm, crab cakes! The rest of the weekend will be spent cuddling and ordering take out and loving on each other.

Compared to this time last year, are you: a) happier or sadder? b) thinner or fatter? c) richer or poorer?
Happier; thinner; richer (thank you, work promotion and raise!).

What did you do last year that you’ve never done before?
I was quoted in the newspaper on a new work-related program that I implemented this fall to wild, state-wide success.

What was your favorite discovery last year?
Audio books. I am still kind of floored that I can download a real life human who patiently READS ME A BOOK, they do all the voices and never need a break, and I can listen while I drive, work out, or hang out at home. I mean, talk about on-demand luxury! No one has read aloud to me in 20 years, and now I can have this over-the-top experience every single day. Give me ALL THE AUDIO BOOKS!!!

What do you hope to learn this coming year?
I want to continue to improve my oil painting skills, and learn how to make ice cream. Really good ice cream.

What would you like to have this year that you didn’t have last year?
A dishwasher.

What was your biggest achievement of this year?
For almost 18 months I had been consistently working towards a promotion at work, the funding for said promotion was approved by the legislature last March and in June I was offered a fantastic new job in my department. I am so proud of myself for working towards this for so long and putting in the time, effort, and energy to ensure I was the most qualified candidate for the position. (Also, yes, I’m a state employee, all funding must go through the legislature…yes, it’s a freaking hassle, but whatever, tax payer dollars and checks-and-balances, and all that jazz.)

What was your biggest failure?
I spent a lot of the year angry, hurt, and full of anxiety. Now, I understand that part of this is due to some chemical imbalances in my brain that I cannot blame myself for, but I also think there are some ways I could have been more proactive in reducing those scary and hurtful feelings and move forward in a better place. Baby steps, folks. Baby steps.

Where did you travel this year?
Multiple trips to Arizona and Montana (experiencing a nearly 130 degree (F) temperature differential); Chicago; Denver; as well as several in-state trips both for work and for fun.

Do you have a destination in mind for next year?
I would love to go to Turkey, Spain, Greece, or Paris for Thanksgiving…it’s kind of a pipe dream right now, but I can’t stop thinking about the idea.

What did you get really excited about?
I geeked out this year about Charles Darwin, big time. Seriously, if you had more then 3 conversations with me in the last 12 months it is more than likely that I brought up Darwin at some point.

What do you wish you’d done more of?
Traveling, particularly short weekend trips. I miss having an almost-always packed weekend bag and a constantly increasing pile of travel photos and memories.

What do you wish you’d done less of?
Fighting. Fighting with myself; fighting with Blue Eyes; fighting (on Blue Eyes’ team) against his crazy-ass ex-wife; fighting anxiety and irrational fears; fighting to be understood.

What was the best book you read?
Ooooh, how do I even answer this question!?! I re-read East of Eden again and am still completely in-love with those characters, stories, and language; but as for new reads, I think the one that has stuck with me the longest is Madam Secretary by Madeline Albright. Recommended!

What did you want and get?
A new-to-me, adorable, surprise car. Miss Persimini makes me smile every time I see her. And she’s SUPER fast…not that I have ever gone even one mile above the posted legal speed limit….Ahem.

What did you want and not get?
Besides a pony? A pair of knee-height cognac-colored flat-ish boots. I’m still hunting for the perfect pair.

What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
A judge standing up to Blue Eyes’ ex-wife’s illegal, irrational, and hurtful behavior and possibly handing down massive fines and a permanent record of her crazy bullshit. She is seriously a bad person and I wish someone with authority to force her to change or improve would recognize it. The system surrounding child custody, visitation, and preventing crazy, jealous, vindictive parents from unleashing their anger on their ex-spouse (and thereby hurting the children) is so, so, broken. And expensive. And just, it’s a mess.

What kept you sane?
Painting until all hours of the night; losing myself in books; lots of lengthy conversations with dear friends; soothing snuggles and hair pats from Blue Eyes; and, quite literally, anti-anxiety medication.

What political issue stirred you the most?
This one continues to grow for me, I am so annoyed and irritated by the lack of true gender equality in all its forms. I can get riled up about feminism and why more people should care more about it in about 2 seconds flat. I want more people to understand the actual definitions of patriarchy, benevolent sexism, and feminism. Hint: “feminism” does not mean “man hating.” It is really just the radical notion that women are people too and deserve the same full range of rights and benefits as their male counterparts. If you think feminism = man-hating you really need to educate yourself and examine why you think that, i.e. what person or institution is trying to convince you that championing the rights of women is somehow a negative thing.

Did you fall in love?
Yes. After a pretty rough patch, I fell in love again with Mr. Blue Eyes. And I think we are finally back to a really good place. And that’s all I’m going to say about that right now. Wink.

Who did you miss?
My sweetheart. Blue Eyes moved 700 miles away more than 4 months ago for work and to be closer to his tweenage kids. We have some long-term plans in place for me joining him, but that doesn’t help reduce the hole in my heart.

Did you learn a valuable life lesson this year?
Ages ago Amber posted this on her blog, and I’ve had it on a post-it note on my wall ever since:

My hackles are raised. I want to give them hell. Buy maybe I need to get over it and realize that this is simply the world nudging me toward something better.

My lesson for this year? Maybe this is simply the world nudging me toward something better. If I can just stop ranting about it long enough to get out of my own way great things are bound to happen. And if not “great” then at least “marginally better.” Hell, I’ll take a year full of “marginally better” anytime if the alternative is “same old crapshoot.” So, onwards and upwards and older…oldwards…olderwards….whatever, you get the idea. It’s my birthday and I’ll make up words if I want to. So there.

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Ovaries, Menses, and Morphine

Warning, I’m about to get all up in my own lady part business. If you get queasy reading about ovaries or uteruses (uteri?) or blood or pain, you should probably move along today to something else.

Ah, I know, here is a video about a baby elephant playing tag with a dog. Try watching that instead.

For those of you who are still with me, hi, welcome to my lady parts.

Sunday night I had another ovarian cyst rupture. Luckily, I was already at Urgent Care when that happened. I started blacking out from pain; the nurse gave me a shot of morphine and then did an ultrasound to confirm what I already knew: ruptured cyst. Now, I’ve dealt with my fair share of pain over the years—ribs popping out of my spine a half-dozen at a time, multiple times per week; I’ve had ribs so far away from my rib cage that they were cutting off blood circulation in the arteries that run under my collar bone and down my arm. My pelvis was cranked almost 90 degrees from where it should be and my neck and spine at one point were collapsing into my chest cavity. I’ve taken an airbag to the face, had a concussion so severe my brain was actually bleeding into my cranial cavity and pooling under my eye sockets (hello, killer black eyes!). THAT ALL BEING SAID, rupturing cysts are the only thing so far that have sent me in to shock, that have made me throw up from pain and black out just to escape my own body.

This is probably my 7th or 8th ruptured cyst in the last 10 years and it just doesn’t ever get easier. Apparently, about 30 percent of women have cysts on their ovaries, for many women those cysts can be shrunk by taking birth control. Unfortunately, the 3 or 4 types of birth control I’ve tried give me terrible 6 week long periods, soaking through super-absorbent tampons in an hour and losing fist-sized blood clots, then a blissful 1-2 week break followed by another 6 week long period. Seeing my own blood in the toilet almost always gives me a little panic attack, I’m sure this is leftover from the sexual abuse I suffered as an early twenty-something (and resulting non-menstrual blood that filled the toilet), but I have to give myself a little pep talk before I can put in a tampon or stand up so I don’t start hyperventilating. I can’t function having to do that for six weeks at a time my whole life; it’s just not worth it. Once upon a time there were surgical options to have those cysts scraped out, it’s super invasive and very painful, and the problem is that within a few months or a few years the cysts grow back. Big Insurance isn’t really keen on paying for multiple, ineffective surgeries; and most women aren’t all that thrilled with the idea of multiple very invasive surgeries without any real chance of fixing the problem. I have toyed with the idea of an IUD, but apparently my lady parts are super tiny and my doctor is legit concerned that I’m not big enough to get the damn thing in. Yes, IUDs are small, thumb sized, really, but the duck-bill clamp-thingies they have to use to open you up enough to embed it in your uterine wall are…not so small. They are terrifying, actually; for me the duck-bill clamps are far worse than a pap smear or anything else that happens at the OB/GYN’s office. Dah, it makes me hurt just thinking about them.

So. Where does this leave me? I have periods on a somewhat normal schedule, no birth control, bad cramps most of the time, and every 6-18 months I have a cyst rupture, get a shot of morphine take a day off work, and get back to my life. Is it ideal? No, it’s not. But it’s so much better than bleeding for 75% of my life.

Also, can we talk about morphine for a minute? I’ve never tried hard drugs, not even pot, and I’ve never really wanted to. But, oooohmygoodness, if that stuff makes you feel HALF the kind of relaxed happy that morphine does I can absolutely see how people can get addicted. Frankly, I am pretty sure I would get addicted after trying it once. Morphine makes all the hurt go away, and I can feel it coursing through my vein, warming up my arm and shoulder, and when it hits my heart there is this immediate flood of calm and happy that shoots through my whole body. Lawsy, it’s a good thing that I only receive morphine a) under extreme pain and b) administered by a medical professional. If I could get that stuff in a sippy cup I’d be sucking that thing constantly. Sooooo good!

(Yes, part of my love of morphine probably stems from the indescribable pain it immediately takes away. But the other part is the perfectly calm, happy feeling that is so very rare for me to experience. Also, probably exacerbated by the horrible, nauseating, will-I-live-through-this-feeling terror that happens immediately before a morphine shot. See: ruptured cyst.)

On Monday morning, while I was carefully tucked in to bed with a new book, I posted on Facebook about my experience, and the more I think about it the more I would love to see some kind of study. I wonder how men would react to the lovely side effects of having a period. What would happen if all of a sudden their penis started shooting blood for 5-7 days, combined with a penile Charlie horse (cramps)? And what if every doctor and website calmly assured them that this was normal, and even that it was a “beautiful and important part of manhood and fatherhood.” (Ha! Snort.) And what if a few weeks later it happened again, and then again, and again? For thirty-plus years. How would they—the general male populous—handle it? And what if every so often a balloon of blood and goo exploded inside their testicles? No reason, no warning, no cure, just BAM!–paintball to the testes. Do you think Research and Development labs would try a little harder to figure out a better solution? Do you think insurance companies would be more willing to invest in a procedure that eliminated this kind of thing? Do you think pharmacists would be able to distribute morphine to sufferers? (Ok, that last one might be a bit of a stretch…but still, would they?) It is a pretty solid assumption that the heads of medical research labs, insurance agencies, and Big Pharma are mostly men, and if they had this kind of debilitating horror to deal with every month you can bet your ass they would try and find some way to reduce their pain and suffering.

Reason #20,304 why more women should pursue STEM-related fields, why they should seek advanced degrees and pioneer research projects. Go to college, ladies, and stay there until you have that degree!

And in the meantime, I’ll be here with my sippy cup.

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