A Merry Little Christmas

This is my 30th Christmas and in most ways it is very much like any other: gingerbread houses, decorating two Christmas trees, holiday music, baking, decorating, planning, shopping for, and wrapping gifts for loved ones, putting white twinkle lights in the window, Christmas concerts and parties with friends and family. I seem to be a lot more cry-y this year than ever before, and while there are a couple of big, legitimate reasons for that, it is still unsettling. Last weekend Blue Eyes and I went to a large Christmas concert spectacular in our city with a symphony and a choir and world-renowned headline opera singer. When she sang “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas” and I started sobbing. As in, uncontrollable tears streaming down my face, difficult to breathe kind of sobs. Since then, every single mention of this song—even just typing out the title—brings tears to my eyes all over again.

(Hi, I’m a wreck. How are you?)

This year has been really, really hard. Blue Eyes has been working out-of-town for about 49 of the 52 weeks in 2013 (and 2012) (and 2011), there have only been 2 or 3 times the entire year where I saw him for more than three days in a row. We’ve had some pretty intense family drama that has taken a lot of time, money, and emotional reserve to try to deal with; we didn’t have any of those things in spades going in, nor any real idea that it could get so bad. I don’t think I want to get in to it all right now, but when a seasoned judge with salt-and-pepper hair says “You know, I’ve been doing this for a long time and this is the most contentious case I have seen in years!” and instead of feeling surprise you feel validated…it is a pretty ugly mess, really…also, the fact that we ended up in court and/or with court officials to discuss and try to iron out these issues no less than FOUR TIMES this year should help frame that a bit. Anyway, so we’ve had long-distance marriage struggles, and family drama to a spectacular degree, and job stress and money worries and emotional upheaval and turmoil and medical issues on top of it all. 2013 has probably been the most difficult year of my life, I am only too happy to see it out the door.

But, before the New Year rolls around, there is the little thing called Christmas.

Have yourself a merry little Christmas,
Let your heart be light. From now on,
our troubles will be out of sight

Have yourself a merry little Christmas,
Make the Yule-tide gay, from now on,
our troubles will be miles away.

This seems like such an impossible dream right now: a light heart, troubles out of sight and miles away. My heart has been heavy for far too long and my troubles have been front and center, mucking about with my regular routine. A whole day without the stress of those two things seems…impossible. Unthinkable. Unimaginable. A lifetime of it is like trying to comprehend the Universe, or quantum mechanics. I just…I don’t have the ability to process that kind of future scenario, neither in my brain or my heart, despite desperately wishing that dream-life will come true. Thankfully, Blue Eyes will be home for the holidays, he’ll be here for almost 2 weeks and that will be the most I’ve seen of him in a row for, literally, years.

Here we are as in olden days,
Happy golden days of yore.
Faithful friends who are dear to us
Gather near to us once more.

More than ever, I think, I cherish my friendships and support groups—my people—because they have taken such a strong stand beside me this year. My wonderful friends—the ones inside my computer and the ones inside my living room—have laughed with me, cried with me, raged on my behalf, kept me company and involved me in projects and purpose to keep me occupied with something healthier than more of my own wallowing. If I could give a gold star and a magical unicorn to each one I would; a Christmas card just doesn’t seem to suffice. More than any other time I can recall, I am hoping that my dear friends and loved ones also have a wonderful holiday; I am praying they have lighter hearts and fewer troubles.

Through the years we all will be together, if the Fates allow.
Hang a shining star upon the highest bough.
And have yourself a merry little Christmas now.

I truly hope that next year will be better, and the year after that will bring us more happiness to Blue Eyes and me. “Next year will be better!” is on constant repeat in my brain and my heart. I dream about his work responsibilities changing to be closer to home, I fantasize about having dinner with him every night, brushing our teeth together and crowding the mirror before snuggling into his shoulder to finish whatever chapter I started that day while he races motorcycles (or tractors, or go-carts, or whatever) on his iPad. Hell, I even am looking forward to cleaning the beard trimmings (that he seems incapable of noticing) out of the bathroom sink on a daily basis!

Yes, next year will be better. I don’t think I’m running away from or trying to ignore The Ugly that has taken root in our lives, but as I have very little control over the outcomes all I can do is wait it out. Sure, I could probably figure out how to change my attitude so that The Ugly no longer bothers me, but it would most likely require illegal doses of mood enhancing and/or altering drugs, and I don’t think that is any better or healthier than hunkering down and waiting for spring. So, for now, I will listen to Judy Garland sing about having a Merry Little Christmas and bawl my eyes out–again–wishing with all my heart that things will be better soon.

For the record this post has taken 11 tissues to write, each soaked to a soggy mess.

Harriet sig

Music for “Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas” composed by Hugh Martin, lyrics by Ralph Blane; find the story behind “Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas” here (or there, rather).

Five Things I Learned This Week: Episode 1

A few things I learned this week, in no particular order:

1. A knit maxi dress is a summer weather staple that does not translate well to winter. I attempted to wear mine with a large infinity scarf (good idea) and a pair of boots (bad idea) made out of suede (worst idea EVER!). My dress was sticking to my legs all day, I felt like my ankles were strapped together with a zip tie. Do not try this combination at home, or at the office, or for an activity. Stick to the knee-length skirt or leggings with your suede boots and put that maxi dress in storage until warmer temperatures arrive.

2. Small children wearing plush reindeer antlers and skipping around the mall is charming and adorable. Middle aged men doing the same thing is either ridiculous or frightening, depending on both the antlers and the man.

3. Wednesday evening is the BEST TIME to go to Ikea. I was in and out in less than 20 minutes with a cart full of goodies. There were no crowds, no lines, and no hassle. If only I could put together said goodies with as little headache!

4. There are people who insist the pronunciation of focaccia is faux-cottah. I listened to a 10-minute discussion between two lunchers at the table next to me on this fact. Mr. Fauxcottah was wearing a Mickey Mouse wrist watch and his giant Android phone in an even larger case attached to his belt. Despite Italian pronunciation guides, I’d like to agree that Mr. Focaccia was correct, not Mr Fauxcottah.

5. This one is actually my own fault, but apparently when you call West Elm to check their stock of the most perfect tree topper in the history of tree toppers and they say “Oh yes, we have bunches of them!” you should DEFINITELY request they put one aside with your name on it. A simple “Great! I’ll be there in 20 minutes” does not suffice. The sad ending of this story is that the “bunches” of perfect tree toppers were completely sold out in the 23 minutes it took me to get to West Elm. Sob!

What did you learn this week?

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Anti-Christmas Shopping Rant

That’s it. Next year I want to be finished with any and all Christmas shopping/gift arranging before Thanksgiving. Done! D-U-N! DONE!

I have never been a fan of the Black Friday shopping blitz. I am actually convinced that the better deals on the bulk of merchandise take place the weekend BEFORE Thanksgiving. If you are standing in line for that new tech gadget, the specific TV or gaming console or whatever, sure, you may have the best deals on Black Friday. But who wants to stand in line in the cold, in the dark, when you are full of turkey-tryptophan and desperately need a nap? Not this girl! No, I’d much rather spend my holiday weekend with my family, taking naps and eating leftover pie than elbowing crazy shoppers for that sweater or tchotchke or whatever. No, thank you, I have always steered clear of Mass Consumerism during my Thanksgiving holiday, thankyouverymuch.

That leaves me with two options. First is to be done with my holiday shopping prior to Thanksgiving. The other is to brave the masses who pop into the shops on a weeknight after work or who storm the malls on Saturdays. No, thank you. I love finding presents my loved ones will adore. I love reading reviews to determine if this or that is the better choice. I love the element of surprise. I love wrapping everything up in beautiful paper. I do NOT love that whole process starting sometime in December. Or, really, of completing that process sometime in December.

Before I got married and joined a whole new family my Christmas shopping lists were pretty simple, and over the years they were pared down even more. When I graduated from high school I stopped drawing a name for the cousin gift exchange. When I was in my early 20’s my siblings stopped giving presents to each other, instead we started taking turns selecting a charitable cause to donate to each year. That’s 8 people knocked off my list, right there. I stopped giving gifts to my nieces and nephews after one Christmas with three new babies. It’s just too many people; current count on my side is 9 nieces/nephews. (I do, however, send them all birthday cards every year, because I am vying for the role of Favorite Aunt.) Before getting married I bought Christmas presents for exactly 5 people: my Dad and Stepmom, my Mom, my one friend who always gives me a lovely and thoughtful Christmas present, and my significant other, if applicable. That’s it. No co-workers, no neighbors, no other friends. No gifts for my hair dresser or the UPS delivery man or the landlord. No presents delivered to extended family or people I serve with at church. Nada.

When I got married that all changed. First of all, when Mr. Blue Eyes and I got hitched I became a Stepmom to a couple of elementary-aged kids. I will state unequivocally that I really enjoy finding surprises and presents for my stepkids. It’s fun to shop for them, to talk about what they like, to try to figure out a great surprise. Why I couldn’t have just added 2 more people to my list and ended up shopping for 7 people is kind of beyond me (okay, 9 people, his lovely parents should make the list too).

My in-laws family is all about the Christmas presents, they all give to everyone every year. That is 17 people giving to 17 people and it’s just…it’s the worst. Let me be clear, THEY are not the worst, my in-laws are wonderful. But the Everyone Gets Presents From Everybody thing is exhausting. And the flurry of text messages and emails that are sent every year requesting ideas for this person or that person makes me think that they all aren’t that keen on it either. Perhaps I can tactfully suggest we draw names among the nieces/nephews and also among the siblings? I don’t know how one tactfully suggests such a thing, so in lieu of that happening my plan is to be completely done with Christmas shopping well before I plop my Thanksgiving turkey into it’s brine bath.

More than the excitement about missing the holiday shopping marathon, is excitement about returning the focus of the Christmas season to Christmas-y things. I’d rather make Christmas cookies than make a plan of what stores to hit in what order for what items on my day off. I would rather spend my time reading Christmas stories and listening to favorite Christmas songs than trying to locate and acquire this season’s Must Have Gift. I’d much rather squeeze in a few more holiday parties and meet ups with friends or family to view the Christmas lights than spend a Tuesday night elbowing people at Target. I’d rather secure tickets to the Nutcracker or a great Christmas concert by a local band or group than spend a weekend researching new gift ideas because so-and-so has claimed Good Idea #1 and so-and-so has claimed Good Ideas #2 and #3. I’d rather spend my December fun money on a Sub-for-Santa than on two dozen gifts for people who really don’t need gifts. And I’d rather spend some time doing good for others than spend my time scouring the internet for last-minute rush-shipping gifts for that one person we forgot about.

Mark my words, next year, shopping will be finished before Thanksgiving!

Harriet sig